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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24862846">The Four Faces of a Soul (A Character Study)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Argiepoo/pseuds/Argiepoo'>Argiepoo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek &amp; Paul/Levenson, Heathers: The Musical - Murphy &amp; O'Keefe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, I'm Sorry, a special kind of character study, also suicide and self-harm references, character studies galore, character tags will be added as i add more chapters, just in case that's a problem, made up by me - Freeform, whoops now there's abuse references, you'll see i'll describe it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:41:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,607</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24862846</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Argiepoo/pseuds/Argiepoo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They say there are four sides to everyone.</p><p>The person you are.</p><p>The person you think you are.</p><p>The person you want to be.</p><p>The person you fear you'll become.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Evan Hansen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I honestly don't know if I made this up, or if it's just a re-hash of something I saw somewhere else. Well anyway, it's here now, and you better enjoy it.</p><p>(PS: all of these take place before the character's respective canon)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Evan Hansen is a curious soul.</p><p>He's not quite an unusual one, though. Should Evan Hansen be a personality trait, there would be many people under it's name.</p><p>This is who Evan is.</p><p>Evan is nervous, but not innocent. He's tall, and even somewhat muscular, but you wouldn't think that if you saw him.</p><p>You wouldn't even see him in the first place.</p><p>Evan feels invisible, but he's really more like those images hidden in the red scribbles. You need special glasses to see them. You need keen eyes to see Evan. You need to be <em>looking</em> for him.</p><p>No one looks for Evan.</p><p>So maybe he has the right idea, saying he's invisible.</p><p>Maybe who Evan thinks he is is closer to the real him than one might assume.</p><p>Evan thinks that no one cares about him. Evan think's he's short, or he might as well be, with how he can't seem to stand upright. Evan think's he's too pudgy, but then again, does it matter if no one can see his extra fat?</p><p>Of course it does. It <em>has</em> to.</p><p>Evan thinks he's annoying, and a burden, because if he wasn't <em>surely</em> someone would talk to him, right? Someone other than his mom, who has to, or Jared, who's getting <em>paid</em> to be nice to him, and even that can't convince Jared to treat him with respect.</p><p>Evan figures he doesn't deserve respect, anyway.</p><p>Evan wants to deserve respect. He <em>does</em>. He wants to stand tall and proud, to be seen and respected and <em>loved</em>. He wants to be able to talk, without worrying if his tongue is in the right place or if his fingers are placed weird, causing him to trip over his words or fidget his hands, trying to get <em>everything</em> just so. He wants the eyes of the world on him, and for the world to think that he's <em>amazing</em>, and <em>beautiful</em>.</p><p>He wishes he didn't fall out of a tree when he realized he wasn't.</p><p>He'd <em>lie</em> to someone. He'd lie about everything about him, he'd pretend to be <em>good enough</em> for them, if they'd only <em>love<em> him and <em>care</em> for him in the way he knew families and friends were <em>supposed</em> to do.</em></em></p>
<p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Evan knows it's manipulative. That scares him, a little.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Evan fears becoming a bad person. He fears losing himself. He fears starving himself until his ribs show, he fears the seeds of the infection that he <em>knows</em> is in his head taking over until his eyes run with tears and his hands drip with blood. He fears pretending everything is okay when it's so <em>horribly</em> not, or even worse, he fears showing how horribly not-okay he is, and becoming something that people shy away from in the halls and whisper about behind his back, talking about how <em>horrible</em> and <em>ugly</em> and <em>fucked up</em> he is.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>If Evan were to see this twisted version of himself, he might think that it reminds him of someone.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>But he supposes it doesn't matter much, not when he's still hidden in the red scribbles, lost with no one looking for him.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>He figures it doesn't matter if the fallen tree makes a sound or not, if no ones there to hear it anyway.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hoo boy, are y'all ready for a ride? I'll be doing the Dear Evan Hansen characters first, and who-knows-what next.</p><p>Evan has always been an interesting character for me, because while he's not a good person, he's not a bad one either. DEH does a good job on making complex and morally grey characters, which are great to study. Evan got caught up in something, and he couldn't tell if it was good or bad, so he just decided to push through until he saw the sun or disappeared into the shadows.</p><p>(PS: yes, Evan fears becoming Connor, someone whom he knows has fallen victim to the demons in their head)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Jared Kleinman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jared Kleinman is a unique soul.</p><p>Well, unique might be the wrong word. There were other people that were like Jared Kleinman. He had a pretty general personality, at least at first glance.</p><p>This is who Jared is.</p><p>Jared is short; small even. He knows this, but will do anything in his power to keep it a secret from everyone else, like if he's loud enough, or confident enough, no one will notice. Jared is cold, but at the same time he's <em>scorching</em>. He's like a sharp wind; burning your skin while chilling you to the bone, yet you can't help but find a weird sort of comfort in the constant pain.</p><p>Jared causes pain, sometimes.</p><p>He doesn't know this. Or, he doesn't like to think about it much.</p><p>Jared thinks he's funny. Now, he's not entirely wrong. He has a sense of humor; it's just up for debate on whether or not it's a good one.</p><p>But the more important thing is the fact that Jared thinks he makes people <em>laugh</em>.</p><p>Jared thinks he's confident, sometimes. Jared thinks he's charismatic, sometimes. Other times, Jared thinks he's a fucking <em>monster</em>. Sometimes Jared thinks he's the reason Evan flinches away when someone gets too close, or makes a joke that cuts deeper than intended. Sometimes Jared thinks it's his own fault he has to be <em>paid</em> to be friends with someone.</p><p>But sometimes Jared thinks he's the greatest thing to grace this planet Earth.</p><p>The person Jared thinks he is is a confusing person indeed.</p><p>Jared doesn't want to be confusing.</p><p>Jared wants to be kind and comforting, he wants to be the friend Evan needs, that he knows he deserves, that he can't have because Jared probably fucked up his self-esteem even more than it already was with his stupid jokes and his stupid pinches and shoves. Jared wants to let himself be a decent human being without someone having to fucking <em>pay</em> him for it.</p><p>Jared <em>wants</em> to make people laugh.</p><p>Jared knows that's out of the question, though.</p><p>Jared knows he's probably going to be the toxic friend that Evan tells people about. And he'll tell people, for sure; his new friends he'll <em>definitely</em> get once he gets out of high school, or Heidi's new husband that he <em>knows</em> she'll find one day, or even worse, the therapist that Jared just found out he was seeing.</p><p>Evan probably tells his therapist about him.</p><p>God, Jared was probably part of the reason Evan had to see a fucking <em>therapist</em> in the first place.</p><p>Jared fears becoming a bad memory.</p><p>He knows he's <em>bad</em>. He knows he's tainted the lives of everyone he's met.</p><p>So he doesn't let himself become a memory.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Jared is one of my favorite characters, and it might just be because people under-use him. Obviously, he's in a lot of works, but he's just a mean, toxic cardboard cutout in most of them. Well, I thought, what if Jared knows how much of a jerk he is? What if he wants to be a good person, but doesn't know how? Something to think about.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Zoe Murphy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zoe Murphy is a strange soul.</p><p>And even though it's not a bad thing, she hides it well. In fact, as far as she's concerned, no one knows, nor needs to know anything about her. Not even her family; especially not her family. They wouldn't have the time or the patience to care, she knows. She's seen it.</p><p>This is who Zoe is.</p><p>Zoe is kind, but not gentle. You wouldn't be able to tell which parent she takes after, her well-meaning yet frantic mother, or her stern and dismissive father, because the answer is neither, and both at the same time. She's <em>beautiful</em>, and everyone knows it, but no one <em>believes</em> it. Beauty is such a fragile thing; so <em>Zoe</em>, who never wavers in her stance or in her voice, who stands strong like an ancient statue, like the perfect, golden sheep of her horrible family, mustn't be <em>beautiful</em>.</p><p>Not when she's so <em>strong</em>.</p><p>She can't be both.</p><p>Zoe doesn't think she is.</p><p>Zoe thinks she wears a mask. She thinks she's just as messed up as her brother, only she hides it better. She thinks she's a rickety boat, and people keep sending her out in storms to be destroyed, but give her a new paint job afterwards and she's as good as new.</p><p>Her brother threw away his paint bucket years ago. No one sails the SS. Connor anymore.</p><p>Zoe wants to be the person she pretends she is.</p><p>She wants to be okay, so she doesn't have to pretend anymore. But admitting you need to be <em>fixed</em> is the same as admitting you're broken, and the Murphy's don't need two broken children.</p><p>Zoe doesn't want them to have two broken children.</p><p>She wants to be the perfect child everyone wants her to be.</p><p>So she has to keep pretending.</p><p>She fears what would happen if she stopped.</p><p>Zoe fears taking her mask off. Connor doesn't wear a mask, and look what happened to him. Everyone hates him. <em>Zoe</em> hates him.</p><p>Everyone always thinks Zoe's just like her brother. It took a lot of paint for her to convince them otherwise.</p><p>She doesn't want to prove them right.</p><p>So she careens through the thundering storms, armed with nothing but some convincing words and fancy colors, her fragile beauty the only thing keeping her away from the crumbling crew that is her family.</p><p>Maybe, if she gets far enough away, she won't have to pretend anymore.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was a lot harder than the other two so far, hoo boy. Zoe is a really difficult character to nail down. People tend to focus more on Connor, which is justified, but it also meant I kinda had nothing to build from except from the clues we get in canon. By the way, did you like the boat metaphor or was it overused?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Alana Beck</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alana Beck is an odd soul.</p><p>Actually, most anyone would tell you that "odd" was a nice way to put it. Most anyone would say "creepy", or "crazy", or even "annoying", although that one's more of an opinion than a fact.</p><p>Though, aren't facts just opinions that happen to be provable?</p><p>This is who Alana is.</p><p>Alana is smart, but her vision is clouded by desperation. She's like a rickety pile of scaffolding, always trying to build higher and higher because she <em>needs</em> to, because everyone around her is a tall and polished sky-scraper and all she has are a few rusty nails for her climb.</p><p>Alana is good-hearted, but clumsy. Her desperation to build higher as fast as her peers causes her to stumble as she does, but the splinters are pulled out and brushed aside, so it's no harm done. All's well that ends well, as they say.</p><p>Alana doesn't quite believe them.</p><p>Alana thinks she has to be perfect, and by that extension, thinks that she's not. Alana thinks she must be doing something wrong, because she tells people about the things she does that are supposed to be good and they only stare and roll their eyes, so what she did must've been a mistake but it's the <em>only thing she knows how to do.</em> </p><p>Alana thinks that she's never going to win this race that <em>must</em> be happening, but no one told her how far away the finish line was, or if she's even going in the right direction, but there's a race of some sort and she <em>has to win.</em></p><p>At least just let her finish.</p><p>Alana just wants to finish the race.</p><p>Alana wants to stand tall and polished like her acquaintances, like everyone seems to be able to do with so little effort. Alana wants to be <em>strong</em>, and <em>beautiful</em>, she wants to make a difference so people will remember her, like they remember the folk who have ancient statues in their name.</p><p>And sure, one day those statues will crumble, but at least they were <em>there.</em></p><p>Alana fears coming and going, passing through the world and leaving without a trace, without a sign that she was even there. Even a fond memory would be fine but she knows she won't even get that, not when she can't seem to make friendships like a <em>normal</em> person.</p><p>She fears becoming like the kid in the back of her science class whom no one knows the name of and whom doesn't know the name of anybody, whom she made a mission to get to know because maybe then they can help each other out but she forgets his name almost constantly and he just stares uncomfortably but like the rest of them but at least he's trying and at least he's doing better than her because she can't even remember his <em>name</em> and now he's just another chance at a friend that she <em>fucked up.</em></p><p>Some worry that they're going to leave a bad memory.</p><p>But at least they'll get remembered.</p><p>She'll get there, eventually. All's well that ends well, as they say.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was easier than expected, considering how little I thought I knew about Alana. But I guess I had more of a grasp on her than I thought, because this just rolled right out. Also, sorry, I promise I'll hold back on the metaphors for next chapter.</p><p>Maybe.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Connor Murphy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Connor Murphy is a wild soul.</p>
<p>Though, perhaps <em>wild</em> is the wrong word. Perhaps something more like <em>dangerous</em> would fit better.</p>
<p>Because while Connor's soul is a soul to be wary of, it's four sides are remarkably similar. Like a globe.</p>
<p>Enigma. That's a word.</p>
<p>This is who Connor is.</p>
<p>Connor is raging, and Connor is desolate, and Connor is hysterical, but never all at once. You can't have storms and wildfires at the same time, after all. In fact, while almost every perspective you can take on Connor is similar in almost every way, all of them are near impossible to figure out. Like the frantic static on the television screen in the midst of a wet and clouded day.</p>
<p>If we continue using the weather metaphor, then you could say Connor has no climate. No constant; more confusing than even Jared, whose only constant seems to be pain, or Zoe, who seems to have a million constants all at once.</p>
<p>Connor has long since stopped trying to <em>think</em> his way through himself. Connor doesn't think; he <em>knows</em>.</p>
<p>Connor knows of the storms and the wildfires, knows that his existence only causes destruction and pain, but also knows that it's out of his control. Wildfires can't be controlled, and neither can Connor.</p>
<p>So he's stopped trying.</p>
<p>This is where the word enigma starts to make more sense.</p>
<p>Now, who Connor <em>wants</em> to be might be the most out-of-place vision of himself. It's grey-scale and faded and tinted with resigned hopelessness, but it's there and it's different than everything else that crowds his mind.</p>
<p>Connor doesn't want to be perfect. He's realistic; he'll settle for not being an absolute monster. He'll settle for being able to look at his sister without feeling an overwhelming sense of loss, then an unreasonable bout of anger at her for making him feel that way. He wants, as much as he <em>can</em> want, an easy out. He wants a way to cut himself from the world and leave behind no trace, no hint that he was even there, but even then he'll settle for a little wreckage if it'll calm the storms and the fires within.</p>
<p>Although, if he had it his way, he thinks he'd like to be like Zoe; to have the ability to put on a mask and pretend that everything's fine. It wouldn't help much, but at least everyone would stop staring and whispering behind his back.</p>
<p>That's impossible, though. It has been for a long time.</p>
<p>Whatever.</p>
<p>He doesn't care anyway.</p>
<p>Which, by the way, makes it a little hard for him to fear. If fear is the unwanted loss or gain of something, then you have to <em>care</em> about what you might lose or gain to have it.</p>
<p>Connor does not care.</p>
<p>Connor does not fear.</p>
<p><em>Please just let him leave</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh boy, this might've been my favorite one to write yet. If it feels a little off, I wanted to make it a little more, I don't know, meta? Like it knows that it's an essay. I thought it would add to the out-of-place aura that Connor has. I guess I just wanted to hammer down on the fact that he's different.</p>
<p>By the way, should I keep going with the deh characters or should I move on? I'll probably do Be More Chill next, but tell me if you want me to do people like Heidi, Cynthia, or Larry.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Jeremy Heere</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ha ha, so you know how I said in the last segment that every chapter took place before canon? Well, because of things like trauma and the fact that everyone actually survives this musical, these will all take place post-canon. Just letting you know!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeremy Heere is a clouded soul.</p><p>Clouded as in conflicted, but also as in frightened. Jeremy has, perhaps, some of the most opposite sides of any soul out there; who he is and who he thinks he is could not be further from each other, who he wants to be is high and ambitious while who he fears he'll become is dark and riddled with impossibility.</p><p>This is who Jeremy is.</p><p>Jeremy is a young and nervous person with a slouch and a fidget that shows itself every once in a while and then disappears suddenly with a pained and terrified look, as though he's expecting punishment. He's a good man with an abandoned ambition that nearly cost him his life; his free life, at least. He went to extreme measures for something that seemed unachievable because he couldn't bear the constant torment he received.</p><p>He couldn't bear the constant torment he <em>deserved</em>.</p><p>Jeremy thinks he doesn't deserve anything, and thinks he deserves everything, at the same time.</p><p>Jeremy thinks the scars lacing the veins of his back and neck are his own fault, that voice in the back of his head that sounds less and less like that of a certain movie star and more and more like his own every time he hears it, the one that tells him he doesn't deserve for anyone to treat him with any sort of respect, the one that tells him that he deserves to hurt because he's hurt <em>so many</em> people beyond repair, the one that tells him that he doesn't deserve to <em>live</em>-</p><p>He's starting to think that maybe that voice is right.</p><p>No matter how much he doesn't want it to be.</p><p>If he's being honest with himself, he just wants to erase the horrible mistakes of his past. He wants to deserve being loved again; and <em>really</em> deserve it, not just <em>get</em> it because everyone around him is too scared that he'll go crazy again to let him out of their sights. He wants to be able to make Christine smile again, bright and sincere, he wants to be able to heal the scars that cover enough of Rich's skin to rival his own, he wants to erase the distance between him and Michael, the one he <em>knows</em> he caused, but can't seem to undo no matter how hard he tries.</p><p>He's always afraid of fucking up again and making the distance wider, instead.</p><p>Jeremy's fears are more clear than most, though he supposes that's what you get from having been a monster, from having lived as your worst enemy.</p><p>Jeremy has nightmares about himself, standing tall in that horrible pristine posture that still lingers around him like a chain, a habit impossible to break, glaring down at someone with a face of twisted apathy, like there's a million things he'd rather be doing right now. In his dreams, Jeremy is always wearing that horrid Eminem shirt that he burned as soon as he was released from the hospital, and folding his arms, his hands not even twitching towards the pockets of his ripped jeans like Jeremy was <em>sure</em> he did constantly when that monster was still in his head.</p><p>Then Jeremy gives a dry and emotionless smile, then Jeremy is seeing the dream from his own eyes, then the horrifying image of all his friends - no, not his friends anymore - standing in an eerie soldier-like formation, their eyes glowing blue; they're all emotionless and stoic and <em>blank</em>, and Jeremy is <em>smiling</em>, then a voice whispers in his ear about how <em>isn't this what he always wanted</em> and the voice sound too much like him and then-</p><p>And then he wakes up.</p><p>The scars on his back feel almost comfortable, in the dead of 4 AM.</p><p>That might be what scares Jeremy the most.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you've read Confusing Expressions, you'll know that I love and adore Jeremy Heere. This, of course, means that I'm going to point out all the trauma that he definitely has after the events of the musical and shout it loud for the world to hear. This was fun to write, though.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Michael Mell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Michael Mell is a peculiar soul.</p><p>He might seem fairly unusual on the outside, but anyone with two eyes and at least 17 braincells might begin to consider that something was hiding underneath.</p><p>This is who Michael is.</p><p>Michael is a beaten soul who refuses to change, refuses to fit himself into the molds presented to him, refuses to be the person everyone wants him to be. He's a loner who was never truly alone, who realized a little too late what being alone really <em>meant</em>.</p><p>He's forced to change, eventually. He's forced to abandon his loser shtick, eventually, but not for any of the reasons he thought he would.</p><p>He <em>thought</em> he just had to wait until the people around him changed, changed into people who would like and maybe even respect him. And, in a way, the people around him <em>did</em> change, but not in the way he expected them to, and he's not quite sure if they like or respect him either, for that matter.</p><p>Though, Michael isn't quite sure he had it the right way around this whole time. Jeremy thought the problem was him; that's why this whole thing happened, he wanted to change himself. And while Michael is mad at himself for not seeing this toxic mindset, even if it was completely wrong, he feels even worse when he realizes that this toxic mindset might've been grounded in some sort of truth.</p><p>Maybe Michael isn't liked or respected by his peers because he just isn't the kind of person that they'd like or respect. That's just as much his fault as it is theirs.</p><p>If anything, Michael wants to go back to being a loner. Not to say he wants to go back to being <em>alone</em>; no, he'd rather never be alone again, thank you very much.</p><p>But he wants to go back to people <em>seeing</em> him as a loner. New people are always talking to him now, new people who didn't seem to give two damns about his last he checked, and they don't even seem to really even <em>want</em> to talk to him, so why do they get to sit so close while his best friend still puts an extra foot of space between them whenever they talk?</p><p>Michael wonders who's fault that extra space is, then immediately stops wondering because both answers hurt him in a way he can't even begin to describe.</p><p>Michael's fears are, like his hopes, based on the people around him. Or at least they used to be. If you asked him who <em>he</em> feared he might become, say, two months ago, he wouldn't be able to tell you. He could say that he feared being abandoned by the one person who separated <em>his</em> definition of loner from <em>everyone else's</em> definition of loner, he could say he feared death or change or things staying the same or even something as mundane as the dark and that would be a fair answer.</p><p>But recently, something has shown up that he might be able to present as an <em>actual</em> answer.</p><p>He fears turning his back on the guy who turned his back on him. He fears turning a blind eye to the things that were so <em>very clearly wrong</em> just because he couldn't get his head out of his ass and look at the whole picture. He fears leaving his best friend to an abusive piece of machinery to <em>suffer</em> just because they had a <em>fight</em>.</p><p>He fears realizing, when everything is changed beyond repair, how much he just wanted things to stay the same.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For all the favoritism surrounding Michael, it was pretty hard to actually, y'know, find some complex inner turmoil and conflict. I think I nailed it, though. Eh, whatever, I'm gonna post this before I change my mind.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Christine Canigula</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Christine is a simple soul.</p>
<p>This might come as a surprise. Christine sure doesn't <em>look</em> simple. And she's not, really. Not in personality, at least. But she's rather easy to understand, if you put in a little bit of effort.</p>
<p>This is who Christine is.</p>
<p>Christine is excitable and bubbly. Some might say she's got her head in the clouds, but this isn't quite true. She's surprisingly grounded, she just can't be bothered to calm her bouncing strides. It's like someone handed her the rulebook to life, she read about a third of it, then decided it was boring and chucked the whole thing away.</p>
<p>Christine thinks it's better that way, anyway.</p>
<p>Christine thinks she knows exactly what she's doing, and it's not <em>her</em> fault no one else is on her wavelength. Besides, how boring would it be if everyone could understand each other? Everyone should have a little bit of mystery to them.</p>
<p>Sometimes, though, Christine <em>does</em> want to be understood.</p>
<p>Sure, not <em>everyone</em> should be completely in tune with each other, but having <em>someone</em> on the same channel as her would be nice.</p>
<p>Nevermind. Christine doesn't want to do things halfway; if she has to be confusing, then she's gonna make sure no one can even <em>begin</em> to comprehend her. If her head's gonna be in the clouds, then her feet are gonna get up there too, somehow.</p>
<p>This need was only solidified after The Play.</p>
<p>For the first time, Christine felt what it was like to be normal.</p>
<p>And what was even worse, at the time she <em>liked</em> it.</p>
<p>She asked someone out! She confessed her love in a sweet voice like it was a cheesy romance movie!</p>
<p>It wasn't even how she would've <em>wanted</em> to do it, had she wanted to do it at all. She would've made a cake, for one. There would probably be animals involved, and maybe a dance and song number (writing a song couldn't be <em>that</em> hard).</p>
<p>It was too simple, is what she's saying. Plus, maybe Christine couldn't make a decision to save her life, and maybe she's too excited or weird and maybe no one will ever understand her, but at least she <em>knows</em> this. How's she supposed to remain herself if she doesn't even know who 'she' is?</p>
<p>Maybe life is hard. But Christine doesn't do things halfway. If life's gonna be hard, then bring it on, world!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I was tired of writing angst, so who better to write some fluff about than our queen and savior Christine Canigula?</p>
<p>(PS: I headcanon Christine as aro/ace, in case you're confused about her reaction to her confession at The Play.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Rich Goranski</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rich Goranski is an unpredictable soul.</p><p>He's like a candle in a draft; sometimes he shines brightly, other times he flickers in the wind. Sometimes he doesn't shine at all.</p><p>Sometimes he <em>burns</em>.</p><p>This is who Rich is.</p><p>The best way to describe Rich is as a false bully, a mirage perhaps. From a distance he looks intimidating, like if you get too close he'll reach out and scorch you. But if you actually get close enough to look down at him, it'll fade away, and you're left with a loud personality and a bright smile that reaches his eyes.</p><p>On a good day, at least. On a bad day you won't get close enough to tell.</p><p>Rich's mirage has come to fool many people, sometimes even himself. He often thinks he's more intimidating that he actually is. That's not to say he <em>isn't</em> intimidating; he can actually be rather threatening when he wants to be.</p><p>This is only sometimes helpful. Scaring everyone away at first glance is a habit that's hard to break, and it leaves you lonely and dull. But it's helpful when you need to hide something, and Rich is used to having an awful lot to hide.</p><p>He doesn't need to hide anymore, but sometimes he really wants to.</p><p>Rich wants to be able to hide the burn scars that cover his shoulders and arms, but if he does, people will know he's hiding them and they'll pity him. If he pretends to be proud of his scars, everyone else will be proud of <em>him</em>.</p><p>Rich is like the gatekeeper to his own thoughts. Whatever he says is truth, and whatever he doesn't say is merely deceptive speculation. He could point to a far-off point in his mind and say it's a mirage, and all of a sudden it is, to everyone except for him.</p><p>Rich fears losing the few secrets he's managed to keep. He takes comfort in the fact that only <em>he</em> knows why he flinches when someone raises their hand too fast, or why heavy footsteps and loud bangs make him jump, or why he can't be sober if all his friends are drunk.</p><p>He fears what would happen if he lost that comfort.</p><p>He'd have to push everyone away again. He'd have to point to the mirage of a bully and say it was real, and everyone would leave and he'd be left to smolder and dim.</p><p>Rich fears his own lies, and he fears telling the truth.</p><p>The wind picks up.</p><p>Rich flickers.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You know I can't write about Rich without making a shit ton of fire metaphors. Also, I will now be updating on Sundays and Wednesdays, no specific time, and also I might forget sometimes but it's almost a schedule I'll take it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Jake Dillinger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jake Dillinger is a tangled soul.</p><p>Perhaps he's tangled in a way that seems to be on purpose, so everyone looks at it and thinks that nothing is wrong. He's tangled in the way an intricate patch of sewing is when you turn it over.</p><p>This is who Jake is.</p><p>Jake is confident, but not quite cocky. He's slow to the punch, but you couldn't go as far as to say he's <em>dense.</em> Jake seems to have the perfect amount of everything to be popular and charismatic, but like an intricate patch of sewing, it all falls apart when you turn it around.</p><p>Jake is confident because he thinks he has to be. He's almost like Rich in that aspect. He thinks life was so much better in the past, and so he has to be who he was back then in order for his life to get better again. He thinks he has to be the Jake that believed his parents were going to be back from their business trip <em>any day now</em>, the Jake that could bounce between sports and excel at every one because it actually <em>meant</em> something, because they would look at him and <em>smile</em> and take him out for pizza.</p><p>He knows it's stupid, but maybe, just maybe, if he keeps pushing, keeps excelling, keeps succeeding, maybe they'll come back and take him out for pizza again.</p><p>Jake would say he wants that, but to him, <em>want</em> has always implied that what you want is possible. Jake has never had a problem with <em>wanting</em>; he sees something he wants and then he gets it. If he can't get it (if they're gone forever and never coming back), then he didn't want it all that much in the first place. If he had paid any attention to English class in third grade, he might've compared himself to the story of the fox and the grapes. He doesn't think it was until he became the new shortest member of their friend group that he had to deal with the fact that that wasn't always the case.</p><p>Because he definitely <em>wants</em> to be able to walk again.</p><p>And as funny as the jokes about how it feels to get a taste of his own medicine, really, it's fine, <em>don't worry man, it helps take my mind off things<em>, he just can't help the longing he feels when he sees his old teammates train for the new soccer season.</em></em></p><p>
  <em>
    <em>But then he sees the person next to him staring at him with something that's probably sympathy but looks too much like pity, and he has to divert their attention before they ask if he's okay because he doesn't know how much longer he can lie.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Jake has always feared imperfection. But he can't fail if he never tries, right?</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>That thought came to him in while he ate lunch one day, and he threw it out before he could even take a good look at it. You couldn't succeed if you never tried either. It was a ridiculous way of thinking.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Yet the thought kept creeping back. Why even try, really? Why even dream when everything would be gone when he woke up and had to have Rich carry him out of bed? Why even care? They won't care. They'll never care. They'll never come back.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>So why even bother.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>Every day this thought creeps in a little more, and Jake can feel himself slipping into a spiral of hopelessness, and it scares him that he doesn't even care.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em>His pizza grows cold in front of him.</em>
  </em>
</p><p>The sewing is coming undone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Damn, who knew Jake would be so fun to write about? My poor boy, people don't give him enough credit.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chloe Valentine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chloe Valentine is a sly soul.</p>
<p>She has somehow managed to be so stereotypical that she breaks the concept of stereotypes entirely. She's such a mean, popular bitch that no one bothers to point it out, because it would just be stating the obvious.</p>
<p>This is who Chloe is.</p>
<p>Chloe is the girl your parents warn you about, the one who's all beauty and will twist you into a monster like her. Chloe is as attractive as the sky is blue, and everybody knows it. She's the one that everyone hates, but is somehow popular anyway via some strange, otherworldly magic. Everyone's eyes are on her and everything she does is perfect, seemingly without trying.</p>
<p>Seemingly.</p>
<p>Chloe thinks that everyone thinks she's naturally perfect, and thinks it's absolutely <em>vital</em> that everyone continues to think that. Chloe thinks that her life would be ruined should she wear the wrong shirt to school, she thinks everyone will laugh and mock her if her shoes aren't in style this week or if her nails are chipped or if an eyelash is out of line, or if, god <em>forbid</em>, anyone sees the dark bags under her eyes from having to wake up so early to perfect everything about her before she goes outside.</p>
<p>Chloe thinks an awful lot for someone who's supposed to be naturally flawless.</p>
<p>Chloe thinks she doesn't want anything.</p>
<p>Chloe thinks that wanting something implies that she's <em>missing</em> something, and she can't be missing anything because she has everything she needs already.</p>
<p>Sure, maybe she wants Jake back, just kinda, because their relationship was never top priority to Chloe when they were dating and she sorta cast him aside to hang out with Brooke all the time but she actually thinks they have some chemistry, but she's not gonna ask him out or anything.</p>
<p>And fine, <em>maybe</em> she'd like to be able to gather the courage to apologize to Jeremy and not duck her head whenever he comes around because she's stupid and selfish and can't handle the fact that she almost did something so horrible it probably would've scarred him for life, but he probably doesn't want to talk to her at all, anyway.</p>
<p>And yes, <em>maybe</em> she'd like to be on good terms with Brooke again, because she may or may not have completely devastated her best friend out of jealousy and possibly ruined their friendship forever because she couldn't see past her own nose for long enough to see that Brooke was happy and she should he happy as well, but she can go without, it's fine.</p>
<p>It's not like it's been top priority in her head for a month now.</p>
<p>It's not like she keeps pushing it away because she's afraid.</p>
<p>It's not like she's scared that if she apologizes and tries to mend things with her old and new friends, they won't forgive her because they really have no reason to and she'll just be left with the knowledge that she's a horrible person and everything good that ever came to her was undeserved and she only got it because she pretended to be perfect so much that even she believed it.</p>
<p>It's not like that.</p>
<p>It's not like there's another reason she doesn't get much sleep anymore.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ooh, this was a fun one. Chloe is a bitch, but I honestly feel like there has to be more too her than just jealous and popular. Also, I headcanon Chloe as having OCD or at the very least anxiety, so tell me if I handled that well.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Brooke Lohst</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Brooke Lohst is a gentle soul.</p>
<p>Though, there really isn't much to say, other than that. Not to say she's boring, of course. Just easy to explain.</p>
<p>Or is she?</p>
<p>This is who Brooke is.</p>
<p>Brooke is charming, and too nice for her own good. She's like a young fawn, or a bluebird chick, or some other small animal that people think is in need of protection, but at the same time, she's caring and doting, like a mother hen. In her mind, what goes around, comes around. If she cares for others, than others will care for her.</p>
<p>Brooke is a big believer in karma.</p>
<p>Sometimes, though, her belief wavers a bit. When she tries to be nice and someone calls her a suck-up. When she offers to help someone and they complain that she's babying them. When she gives herself away and gets nothing in return, then feels guilty for expecting anything at all.</p>
<p>She begins to think that this is simply her place in the world. She thinks that this must be what she's here for, to help the ones who can't help themselves and can't help <em>her</em>, because nothings really wrong with her in the first place. She thinks she's being greedy, asking for help that she doesn't really need anyway. She thinks that there are <em>so many people</em> who need help so much more than she does and <em>she</em> has to be the one to help them because the world is crumbling and <em>she</em> has to to fix it because she's so <em>lucky</em> and <em>happy</em> and her life is <em>perfect</em> and their's <em>isn't</em> and <em>she doesn't need any help</em>-</p>
<p>And she doesn't. Really.</p>
<p>She doesn't want to.</p>
<p>She just wants to help everyone else, because if she doesn't, then who will? She just wants the voice in her head to quit whining, because she has no reason to ever be sad. She just wants to keep carrying the lantern down the dark tunnel called life, because if she drops it then someone would have to pick it up for her and they all have their own lanterns to manage anyway.</p>
<p>She fears not being able to pick up her friends lanterns anymore, she fears dropping hers and leaving them all in the dark again because she <em>knows</em> she's the only thing keeping them happy. She has to help her friends be happy because they can't be happy themselves. Such is her life, her purpose. She can't fail.</p>
<p>Which is silly, really. She won't fail.</p>
<p>She has no reason to.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I... projected onto Brooke a lot more than I meant to, sorry. I'm not gonna change it, though, because I think it really fits her character.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Jenna Rolan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jenna Rolan is a sneaky soul.</p><p>Like so many of her friends, she's convinced herself that she's simple, that there's nothing more to see, that nothing really interesting lies beneath the surface.</p><p>And like so many of her friends, she's absolutely wrong.</p><p>This is who Jenna is.</p><p>Jenna blends into the background; no one sees her coming until it's too late. This is really helpful, actually, considering her favorite pastime is worming information out of people. It comes in quite handy. It's nice.</p><p>Until it isn't.</p><p>Everyone knows <em>of</em> Jenna, but no one knows her in the traditional sense. She's thankful, honestly. If people knew her, knew things about her, they might use it to ruin her reputation. Lord knows many people would want to. It's a blessing.</p><p>Until it isn't.</p><p>The rumor mill can wear on a person, grinding them down. Everyone is labeled by the worst thing they've done, which tarnishes your ability to have a positive opinion on anyone.</p><p>This probably isn't healthy for Jenna's sense of self-worth.</p><p>Because, really, it's no surprise Jenna can't make friends when she's outed multiple kids in front of the whole school, when she's started rumors about personal business that she shouldn't have known in the first place, when everyone <em>hates her guts</em>. It's no wonder no one cares about anything she does when all she does is ruin lives.</p><p>Jenna aspires to be like certain people, even if she won't admit it. There are people who carry the energy in a room, people who, when they walk in, everyone's head turns to look at them.</p><p>Not to say people <em>aren't</em> always looking for Jenna. They are, just not in a good way.</p><p>Jenna wants to be admired.</p><p>Jenna doesn't really <em>fear</em> becoming anyone. Sure, she's paranoid; what if she has a secret that even she's forgotten that gets uncovered and spilled to the world and ruins anyone's opinion of her that hasn't already been ruined?</p><p>But <em>fear</em> isn't the right word. As far as she's concerned, she can handle most anything thrown at her; after all, what could be worse than her current situation?</p><p>That's an exaggeration. Her life's not <em>that</em> bad.</p><p>Maybe she fears being alone. Not lonely; she's lonely already. But at least people are <em>there</em>.</p><p>Guess that's another secret she has to keep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just realized I forgot to add an end note. Jenna is the most forgotten character in bmc, and in my humble opinion, that has to change. I will be doing the Heathers characters next, so get hyped! Or don't!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Veronica Sawyer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, moving on to the Heathers characters! New rule, I will specify when each chapter takes place to avoid confusion. This one takes place a year or two after canon.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Veronica Sawyer is a tormented soul.</p>
<p>It's a constant debate in her mind on whether or not that's her own fault. You'd think, after all this time, she'd be able to figure out that things aren't so black and white.</p>
<p>This is who Veronica is.</p>
<p>Well, for one, Veronica is a lot of things. She's studying for a degree in English, though it's proved to be harder than everyone implied it would be. She's snarky and antisocial. She's paranoid and wary of strangers. She gets sick to her stomach when she sees a building being torn down. She can't accept a drink from anyone, no matter the circumstances.</p>
<p>She's been an accomplice in three first-degree murders.</p>
<p>Well, technically, she was an unknowing accomplice in all of them, so that's probably involuntary manslaughter. She didn't even <em>kill</em> that one guy.</p>
<p>However, in her mind, it all kind of mixes together into a big pot of 'I killed three people'.</p>
<p>Veronica still seems to have a hard time <em>not</em> simplifying things beyond all proportion.</p>
<p>Maybe it's because Veronica thinks that if the world <em>isn't</em> black and white, then that boy she knew in high school <em>wasn't</em> evil, not really, and she doesn't quite know how she would handle that.</p>
<p>If the world <em>isn't</em> black and white, then nothing is good, and nothing is bad, not really, and everything is just an ugly shade of grey.</p>
<p>Veronica doesn't much like monotone palettes.</p>
<p>So instead of bleak strokes of cloud and smoke, she likes to imagine that people are all sorts of bright colors. Her few friends are all sorts of springtime hues, like pink and yellow and a poisonous green that has gotten softer and softer as the years have gone on. And sure, Veronica herself is a stormy grey, but maybe she can earn that navy blue back, someday.</p>
<p>That's what she wants.</p>
<p>That's what she fears.</p>
<p>Because what if, when she earns her color back, she forgets all the reasons she lost it in the first place? Because what if, when she earns her color back, she remembers all the reasons she never deserved it?</p>
<p>What if, if she gets her color back, that boy she knew in high school gets his back too?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'd like to say that I do not think JD isn't a bad person. This is still from Veronica's perspective.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Martha Dunnstock</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This also takes place a few years after canon.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Martha Dunnstock is a kind soul.</p><p>She's the brand of kindness that's so easily taken advantage of, though never by herself. It's always other people who abuse it, much to her friend's dismay.</p><p>This is who Martha is.</p><p>Martha is sweet and not exactly soft-spoken, her bouncy energy surprising most people who've only seen her at first glance. It lacks the childlike innocence it used to hold, but no one who doesn't look close enough will be able to tell. She seems to hold just the right amount of enthusiasm to be noticeable without standing out, though she swears it's not on purpose.</p><p>And it's not, really.</p><p>Martha makes sure to avoid causing trouble where she doesn't need to; her friends have enough trouble as is, she doesn't need to add on to that.</p><p>Martha sometimes feels like an intruder on what she and her friends refer to simply as 'high school'. She sometimes thinks that nothing really happened to her in high school, anyway, that she was just there during someone else's story.</p><p>She thinks this, and then she hisses in sympathy when she sees a kid in a wheelchair on campus and she begins to reconsider.</p><p>Because stuff <em>did</em> happen in high school, but acknowledging it mean acknowledging a lot of other things they'd all rather forget. So she doesn't acknowledge it.</p><p>If anything, Martha wishes her high school years could have been normal. She wishes she could've kept watching movies with Veronica or avoiding the Heathers like the plague. She wishes she had been kept up at night because of her crush on Ram instead of because of his death.</p><p>But then again, things turned out... alright. If you ignore everything bad that happened, then her high school year had an ironically happy ending.</p><p>Martha fears the part she has to ignore.</p><p>Because she knows, logically, that her friends are to blame for most everything that happened. She knows, truthfully, that they were bad people who did bad things in high school. She knows, honestly, that they would be the villains, should this be a murder mystery or a horror film.</p><p>And she wonders, constantly, if that makes her bad as well.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I realize now that I might have some trouble with the Heathers characters, because I'm not as familiar with them as I am with the bmc or deh guys. Because damn, if Martha was hard to write, imagine the trouble I'm gonna have with Kurt and Ram, whom I can't even tell apart half the time! Whoo!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Heather Chandler</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This takes place pre-canon</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Heather Chandler is a wicked soul.</p>
<p>And somehow, like several other girls she would have no way of knowing, everyone loves her for it. Well, actually, they don't love her for her wickedness, but instead the things they find when they ignore that part of her.</p>
<p>That being beauty, of course.</p>
<p>This is who Heather is.</p>
<p>Heather is perfect because everyone ignores the imperfect things about her, and Heather is horrible because no one looks close enough to see the good things about her. Heather is like a god, one that does nasty things and doesn't seem to care for anyone, yet everyone adores her anyways.</p>
<p>Actually, Heather might be a god.</p>
<p>Because so many people treat her like one anyways, amazed by her every move and practically falling to their knees when she walks into the room. Because everyone worships her, except for the people who don't, who watch from afar and claim <em>they</em> know the truth, and because in reality they're all wrong in different ways.</p>
<p>Heather thinks it's all quite entertaining.</p>
<p>Because people <em>love</em> her, or, they love who they think she is. Who <em>she</em> thinks she is.</p>
<p>And since the two are basically the same, she has to make sure she always loves everything about herself and that everyone loves everything about her. And if she has to redo her lipstick seven times in the bathroom mirror, and if she has to put other people down to keep her god-like status afloat, and if she refers to herself by her last name in her head, then it's not all that important anyway.</p>
<p>Heather doesn't allow herself to <em>want</em>.</p>
<p>Nor does she allow herself to <em>change</em>.</p>
<p>If she changes, then everyone will know she wasn't perfect before, and she can't have that. What she has is safe, and what she has is loved, so there's no reason to want anything else.</p>
<p>But then she meets a girl in a grey scarf, and she <em>wants</em>.</p>
<p>Oh, but she's afraid.</p>
<p>Because what will people think about a new Heather? Someone who doesn't even share their name? Their common names have been a sort of vow, a vow to never turn on each other, because maybe they're all horrible, but they have a chance to save this one friendship and none of them want to pass it up.</p>
<p>But this new girl doesn't have that. She could destroy them.</p>
<p>Or, even worse, they could destroy her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank god for the Heathers and their easily interpreted personalities, I don't know what I'd do without you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Heather Duke</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This also takes place pre-canon. So sorry for the wait!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Heather Duke is a stony soul.</p><p>Imagine a box covered in intricate designs, and completely bare and empty on the inside. You might say that the styling is useless, that the box is being put to waste because nothing is inside it. Now imagine that same box but locked, completely bare on the outside, but covered in decoration on the inside and filled with little trinkets. You might say that the box is pointless, because even if it has stuff on the inside, it doesn't matter, because it's locked anyway. No one can see it.</p><p>Heather somehow manages to be both of these boxes at the same time.</p><p>This is who Heather is.</p><p>Heather is a mimic, always observing what all the other girls doing and copying them because they've been doing this a lot longer than she has. She finds these things and she holds onto them because as far as she's concerned they make her real. She began forcing food in and then forcing it out because everyone else was, and she couldn't stop. She got 'implants' because that was what everyone else was doing, and it gave her an excuse to change herself, finally.</p><p>Well, Heather thinks she changed herself. Really, she didn't change at all, and instead merely showed something that had always been there.</p><p>That's not what Heather thinks.</p><p>Heather thinks she's a fake. She thinks she's fooling everyone about everything about her, and she hopes they never find out, even if they deserve to. She thinks she's lying, lying to everyone, copying everyone, even her name is the same as her two best friends and even though she should give it up, she merely scrambles to keep her name to herself, no matter how selfish it makes her, no matter if the others had it first.</p><p>Heather wants it.</p><p>Isn't that enough?</p><p>Isn't <em>want</em> enough reason for her to spit in the face of anyone she can't trust? Isn't <em>want</em> enough reason to laugh at anyone who's losing the game, because it reminds her that she's winning, and that everything is okay? Isn't <em>want</em> enough to keep her waist thin and her posture perfect and her makeup as flawless as her body?</p><p>Isn't want enough to keep that untrustworthy girl away from her friends?</p><p>Because that untrustworthy girl knows that she's lying. She could expose Heather, turn around and stab her in the back when she's not looking, and Heather woul be revealed for the fat liar that she is.</p><p>Heather fears becoming who she thinks she's hiding. It's really as simple as that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hc Duke as trans, so that probably clears some shit up. I'll have the next one out by Sunday.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Heather Mcnamara</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Pre-canon</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Heather Mcnamara is a fragile soul.</p>
<p>Fragile souls are easy to hide, however. Heather hides behind her friends, blends in with her namesakes, because like triplets in movies, everyone thinks the Heathers are the same.</p>
<p>They're quite wrong, obviously.</p>
<p>This is who Heather is.</p>
<p>Heather is a disaster in denial, a messy kid's room cleaned up by kicking everything under the bed. She's the nice Heather, the one who can get anything with a smile, the one who's a little too naive for her own good, the one whom everyone either protects or takes advantage of, and there's no in-between.</p>
<p>Though, some believe she just pretends to be innocent to get people on her side. This was inevitable. All the Heathers have a sort of god-like status, and all gods have worshipers and non-believers. No one ever knows who's right.</p>
<p>Heather is remarkably unaware of her following.</p>
<p>Heather is remarkably unaware of a lot of things.</p>
<p>Heather thinks being nice is the best way to get things, sure, but it's also easiest because, for the most part, she's genuinely nice. She doesn't think of it as manipulation because she's not lying, because every day's a test and she's barely scraping by but so far she's passing, and that's what people want, right? Even if she was lying, they wouldn't care because she would still be passing the test.</p>
<p>She's aware of <em>that</em>, at least.</p>
<p>She might have to start lying soon.</p>
<p>Heather <em>knows</em> that she's barely hanging on to her friends, that one day she's going to get a wrong answer and the alarms will ring and people will come to take her away. She knows she's the third one, the least important, the tag-a-long.</p>
<p>She's passing, for now, but she wants to ace the test one day. She's got it all planned out in her head- she'll show up to school with the perfect outfit and the perfect smile to go with it, and her friends will all say hi and tell how perfect she looks today, and maybe she'll even start a conversation or two, and say all the right things in it and everyone will see what a good Heather she is.</p>
<p>This feels like a job.</p>
<p>She thinks she heard Veronica say that, and to some extent, she agrees. Heather seems to agree as well. Maybe she needs to treat this less like a friendship and more like something she does for a living.</p>
<p>Because if a new girl can earn Heather's interest so quickly, she must be doing something wrong.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Ram Sweeney</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Takes place pre-canon.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ram Sweeney is a brash soul.</p><p>You can tell, though, if you look close enough, that he wasn't always that way. Not that he's <em>hiding</em> some secret soft side, just that he used to have one.</p><p>He doesn't have it anymore.</p><p>But we're not here to talk about who Ram used to be.</p><p>This is who Ram is.</p><p>Ram is impulsive, and his impulses usually aren't good ones; in fact, he even has the decency to almost regret them, most of the time. He gets along with everyone, but almost no one gets along with him; not that he'd ever notice. Everyone hangs out with him anyway, regardless of whether they like him or not.</p><p>To some extent, he understands other people, but he has the tendency to wildly misunderstand himself.</p><p>He thinks he's pretty great, actually. He thinks he's charismatic, which he is not, and he thinks he's admired, which he is not, at least, not by most. He thinks most things he's forcing on other people are things they wanted anyway, and sometimes he goes as far as to think people are graced by his presence.</p><p>All of these thoughts are incorrect.</p><p>If you asked Ram what he wanted, he would probably answer with something crude or predictable; or both. Really, Ram hasn't given it much thought. Every time he does, he comes up with answers he'd rather not have.</p><p>He'd like for Dumptruck to stop looking at him like that, because he feels a twinge of <em>something</em> every time he tells her to fuck off, and he doesn't particularity care for that.</p><p>He'd like for his dad to be a decent person every now and then, because that's apparently something dad's are supposed to be, and it annoys (or, at least, he thinks that's what that is) him that his dad isn't.</p><p>He'd like that stupid fluttery feeling that shows up completely randomly sometimes to go away, because it's gross and he doesn't need it.</p><p>But admitting he wants that, he admits that Dumptruck <em>is</em> looking at him like that, that his dad <em>is</em> an asshole, that that fluttery feeling is very much there, and he'd really rather not.</p><p>Ram is a firm disbeliever in the sob story.</p><p>He doesn't <em>fear</em> becoming one, he'd just... rather not.</p><p>He'd really rather not.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This was hard, and Kurt's is going to be harder, because god forbid they have some blatant characterization *grumbles and hyperexamines every line of dialogue they have*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Kurt Kelly</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Pre-canon, as usual</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kurt Kelly is a careless soul.</p><p>And I mean that in the <em>least</em> literal sense of the word. Kurt has many cares, he just... tries not to care about them, if that makes any sense. He's carefully careless. He's cautiously reckless. He's-</p><p>I can't think of a word for that.</p><p>This is who Kurt is.</p><p>Kurt is the textbook definition of wasted potential. He's almost smart, but he hides it for fear of being called a nerd by people who aren't (which, <em>huh</em>, he thinks, <em>people sure like making fun of ones with useful skills</em>, but he brushes that off and keeps on).</p><p>Instead of being smart, he decides to do sports. Sports are impressive, and sports get you places. He's seen people complaining about that, about how people who do sports get into college easy. He's knows how it works. Plus, his dad seems happy whenever he wins a game, patting him on the back and congratulating him with a smile, so it's a win-win, right?</p><p>His dad wouldn't do that over a good grade. So clearly, Kurt shouldn't waste his energy on being smart.</p><p>Kurt has a very strict checklist of things he thinks he can and can't be.</p><p>He thinks he can't be smart, because smart people are lame and he'd probably be laughed at.</p><p>He thinks he can't be nice, because nice people are only taken advantage of.</p><p>He can be strong, and fast, and a total asshole, though. No one messes with strong, fast, assholes.</p><p>But in all honesty, he <em>wants</em> to be smart, he <em>wants</em> to be nice, he just <em>can't</em>. That's alright, he supposes. He can wait until no one can see him to be who he wants to be.</p><p>But everyone always sees him. His dad, his friends, his girlfriend. Why are these people hanging around a strong, fast, asshole, anyway?</p><p>Do they know he's only pretending?</p><p>Kurt knows he's only pretending. But if he pretends when people are watching, and people are always watching, then how long until he becomes the strong, fast, asshole he pretends to be? How long until people realize he's not pretending anymore, how long until they leave?</p><p>But his checklist is very strict.</p><p>He can't be smart.</p><p>He can't be nice.</p><p>He can't care of people leave.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Posting this early for reasons.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Jason Dean</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This takes place just before our lovely murderer goes kaboom on the football field. Think of it as a record-scratch monologue.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jason Dean is a jagged soul.</p><p>Some might go as far as to say that he has no soul at all. This is untrue, everyone has a soul, despite popular belief. Jason's is just... a little damaged, you could say.</p><p>This is who Jason is.</p><p>Or, JD, rather. He doesn't like the name Jason. Says it's too stereotypical, if anyone bothers to ask.</p><p>This is who JD is.</p><p>JD is a smoldering mess of a person, someone who sees the world through a twisted haze that's impossible to shake, not that he'd ever tried hard enough to determine this for sure. He's a boy who's lived in darkness for so long that he believes shadows are all there are, that sunlight is a fairytale that adults make up to keep their kids happy.</p><p>People are foolish for clinging to a fairytale such as that, he thinks, as he clings to it himself.</p><p>People should know better, he thinks, as he refuses to let go.</p><p>JD looks back on his past self for a moment. He thought he was so wise, didn't he? He thought he knew everything, when he really knew nothing at all. Past JD thought that the world was broken and that he was the only one who could fix it, like a naive child who wanted to be a hero. Past JD though that evil was something like a tattoo, something that some people got and would have until they died. Past JD thought evil was something you could pin down and squash, like a bug.</p><p>Now, JD realizes that evil is something you're born with. The people he killed, they weren't <em>evil</em>. They were bad, of course, but bad is less of a tattoo, and more of a haircut, or a painted nail. Something that can be washed away. Past JD couldn't see that.</p><p>Heather Chandler wasn't evil.</p><p>Ram Sweeney, Kurt Kelly, they weren't evil.</p><p>They were just bad.</p><p>JD himself was the evil one.</p><p>He could've laughed. Look at him, still wanting to be the hero. He killed all the wrong people, and he thinks he can make it better by killing the right one. Even after all this, he still wants to be the hero.</p><p>He's been asked if he's afraid of anything, many times, in fact. When he was a young child, he might've said something along the lines of <em>heights</em> or <em>explosions</em>.</p><p>That last one is kinda funny.</p><p>For a very long time, he would've answered <em>nothing</em>. And it would've been a lie, every single time.</p><p>He thinks this is the first time it won't be.</p><p>What's the point of being afraid when-</p><p>
  <em>Boom!</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You guys can request more fandoms for me to do, if you want. I'll be happy to provide. Sorry this took so long, school started up again.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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